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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.