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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.