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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.