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Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Survival rule #1: You go first.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, Iām gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?