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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie