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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.