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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
The problem with you is ... you exist.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.