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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.