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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
condoms prevent minivans
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
You had me at 0 mutual friends