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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!