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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?