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With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.