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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.