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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Gym update: not there
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I say the things better left unsaid.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!