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If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5