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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.