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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Are you reading this from a toilet? Iām writing this from one.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.