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Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.