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I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?