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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, Iām lucky I eat at all.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.