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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.