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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time