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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.