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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.