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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"