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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)