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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
My girlfriend told me that Iām starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.