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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.