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Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.