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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.