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I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.