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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.