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I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.