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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.