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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work