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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.