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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I was born at a very early age.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!