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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.