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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.