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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.