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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
I`m having an out of money experience.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button