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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom