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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.