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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.