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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today