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My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Safe words are for quitters.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.