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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!