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Vodka is just amazing water.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.