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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?