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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.