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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!