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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Gravity is a real downer.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?