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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful