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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.