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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening