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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs