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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Never trust a skinny chef
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.