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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.