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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.