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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
I miss the life I planned in my head.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."