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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.