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FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.