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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Iām starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards