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That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.