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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
A man is as faithful as his options
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.