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Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.