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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Worry: a waste of imagination.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.