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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.