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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?