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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.