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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.