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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I’m tired of things costing money.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.