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condoms prevent minivans
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!