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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
My whole life is based on a true story...
You had me at 0 mutual friends