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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.