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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.