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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?