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Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".