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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Today`s subliminal thought is: …