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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
My house has really let itself go.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC