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first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?