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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?