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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.