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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.