Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic