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I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.