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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords