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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work