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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.