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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.