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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.