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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.