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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that Iād have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
It`s no fun if you have permission.