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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.