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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.