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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich