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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.