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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.