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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.