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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
facebooked yo mama!!!
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!