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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
No, Iām not funny. Iām just really mean and everyone thinks Iām joking.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."