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Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues