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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?