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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.