Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.