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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night