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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
This headache feels like dumb people
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...