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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you