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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Marriage is for quitters
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.