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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car