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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.