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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.