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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
i only drink on days that end with y
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.