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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I hate it when Iām singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.