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If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.