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Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
pudding... thats always a funny word
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.