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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Honk if you want to see my finger.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.