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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.