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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.